|My new tattoo- C, Roman numeral for |
100 to mark my first 100 lbs. lost.
I was thinking this weekend a lot about what I miss. There was a major initial mourning period after surgery, but now at 5 months out and down 105 lbs, the sense of loss comes and goes. It hits me from time to time when I am alone- my "witching hour" when I would historically do most of my binge eating or secret eating. The impulse to acquire a huge amount of food is still there from time to time even though I know I could not eat it-physically or emotionally. This does not mean the feelings are all gone. Head hunger is so powerful as is compulsion- that is why we have addiction, to anything-food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, etc. I have been working on this piece for years and I don't see it as something that will go away any time soon.
I thought I would make a list of things I miss. Recognize, feel, and mourn. I am ok with not having them ever again but that does not mean I don't miss them. Here is my list:
Things I miss...
- Carbonated anything. I can no longer have soda, seltzer, beer, champagne, prosecco. I miss bubbles and fizz. I miss effervescence. I gave away my soda stream.
- Big meals. There is something extremely satisfying about a large meal. Before surgery all my meals were large meals. It made me feel good. The emotional fullness that went with big meals was a mainstay. There are still moments when I long for Five Guys- burgers with lots of toppings and an order of well done fries. I grew up in Seattle and Red Robin burgers are part of my social eating memories. I will miss that.
- Ice cream. This is the one food I may not go back to for a long time. In OA they call it a trigger- a food that brings about feelings/a reaction. It is also called a "slider" food. A food the easily slides through your stomach. Ice cream would be easy to eat and eat a lot of it. Empty calories and emotional satisfaction. No more ice cream.
- Bread- bagels, sandwiches, burritos. If I have any bread it is toasted and crispy which makes it easier to go down and does not get stuck. I miss warm gooey NY bagels smothered in cream cheese.
- Popcorn. Right before my surgery I went to see Thor and had popcorn with M&Ms in it (something I learned from my friend Jesse. Try it, you will love it.) It was amazing and wonderful and a great farewell. I do miss it but I understand why Tiny Tummy can't process it any more.
- Spicy food. Every one is so different. My tummy just can't stomach spicy any more (Ha, ha!). I miss salsa, and curry, things that are so spicy your eyes water. Maybe someday but not for the time being.
- Iced protein coffee. Who thought I would every like something like this. It is counter intuitive but I enjoy it.
- Quinoa pasta. It's not bad. It is a good substitute for real pasta and I find a small amount is really satisfying.
- Plain Greek yogurt. Never in my life did I think I would enjoy plan yogurt. I most often eat it with fruit and a little splenda but sometimes I use it plain as a replacement for sour cream. Not the exact same, but it does the trick.
- Cauliflower- I love it, in any form. I can only have cooked right now, but I do love it.
- Almond flour. It is a wonderful substitution for white flower and I am really loving finding ways to use it in my cooking.
I am sure there are more "new things" (we all know they are not really new) that I now love.
This is the dress I got for +Teslen Sadowski's wedding on June 21st. I think I should have gotten a size smaller and may order one more just in case. This one is comfortable and would be great however, I still have 2 months.