Sunday, April 27, 2014

Things I Miss & New Things I Love


My new tattoo- C, Roman numeral for
100 to mark my first 100 lbs. lost.
I was thinking this weekend a lot about what I miss.  There was a major initial mourning period after surgery, but now at 5 months out and down 105 lbs, the sense of loss comes and goes.  It hits me from time to time when I am alone- my "witching hour" when I would historically do most of my binge eating or secret eating.  The impulse to acquire a huge amount of food is still there from time to time even though I know I could not eat it-physically or emotionally.  This does not mean the feelings are all gone.   Head hunger is so powerful as is compulsion- that is why we have addiction, to anything-food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, etc.  I have been working on this piece for years and I don't see it as something that will go away any time soon.  

I thought I would make a list of things I miss.  Recognize, feel, and mourn.  I am ok with not having them ever again but that does not mean I don't miss them.  Here is my list:



Things I miss... 
  1. Carbonated anything.  I can no longer have soda, seltzer, beer, champagne, prosecco.  I miss bubbles and fizz.  I miss effervescence.  I gave away my soda stream.  
  2. Big meals.  There is something extremely satisfying about a large meal.   Before surgery all my meals were large meals.  It made me feel good.  The emotional fullness that went with big meals was a mainstay.  There are still moments when I long for Five Guys- burgers with lots of toppings and an order of well done fries.  I grew up in Seattle and Red Robin burgers are part of my social eating memories.  I will miss that.
  3. Ice cream.  This is the one food I may not go back to for a long time.  In OA they call it a trigger- a food that brings about feelings/a reaction.  It is also called a "slider" food.  A food the easily slides through your stomach.  Ice cream would be easy to eat and eat a lot of it.  Empty calories and emotional satisfaction.  No more ice cream.
  4. Bread- bagels, sandwiches, burritos.  If I have any bread it is toasted and crispy which makes it easier to go down and does not get stuck.  I miss warm gooey NY bagels smothered in cream cheese.  
  5. Candy.  
  6. Popcorn.  Right before my surgery I went to see Thor and had popcorn with M&Ms in it (something I learned from my friend Jesse.  Try it, you will love it.)  It was amazing and wonderful and a great farewell.  I do miss it but I understand why Tiny Tummy can't process it any more.
  7. Spicy food.  Every one is so different.  My tummy just can't stomach spicy any more (Ha, ha!).  I miss salsa, and curry, things that are so spicy your eyes water.  Maybe someday but not for the time being.

  1. Iced protein coffee.  Who thought I would every like something like this.  It is counter intuitive but I enjoy it.
  2. Quinoa pasta.  It's not bad.  It is a good substitute for real pasta and I find a small amount is really satisfying.
  3. Plain Greek yogurt.  Never in my life did I think I would enjoy plan yogurt.  I most often eat it with fruit and a little splenda but sometimes I use it plain as a replacement for sour cream.  Not the exact same, but it does the trick.
  4. Cauliflower- I love it, in any form.  I can only have cooked right now, but I do love it.
  5. Almond flour.  It is a wonderful substitution for white flower and I am really loving finding ways to use it in my cooking.
I am sure there are more "new things" (we all know they are not really new) that I now love.


This is the dress I got for +Teslen Sadowski's wedding on June 21st.  I think I should have gotten a size smaller and may order one more just in case.  This one is comfortable and would be great however, I still have 2 months.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tiny Tummy Goes To The ER

It's a little after 1 am and I am laying in a bed in the emergency room.  I ate dinner tonight around 8 30.  I had about 2.5 oz of steak and a little corn and avocado.
At 1030 I took the three BP medications that I still take in addition to my iron and a prilosec because dinner was a little spicy.

By 1130 I was in intense discomfort just below my breast and on the left side... The upper GI area. Not far from tiny tummy.  I began to panic as cold sweat began to set in.  I could not lay down I could not sit walking helped a little bit but as my anxiety increased so did my pain. I had Charlie call 911 when it got harder to breathe and my chest was getting tighter. I was so afraid that something was going wrong with tiny tummy. I broke into a cold sweat.

The EMTs gave me oxygen and took me to the ER.  We arrived at the ER a little after midnight and I was triage and taken to my space in the emergency room.  At this point the pain was subsiding but I have to admit I was scared as hell and worried I had done some read damage to Tiny Tunny.  

I was hooked up to an IV- blood was taken to clear any GI related issues or anything with my pancreas or liver.  I was given fluids (which was probably a good thing since I had been feeling dehydrated.  

My blood work came back all clear and my plus ox and BP was well with in the normal range. 

I was discharged with a diagnosis of acute gastritis , which is apparently something that can come on quite suddenly with bariatric surgery.  I also have major concerns about my BP medication since the cold sweat and dizziness thing was the same as what happened on the train a couple months ago (my PCP diagnosed that as simply low blood sugar since I had not had breakfast).  I think it may be time for me to go off my BP meds.  I have a call into my PCP and hopefully I can get in for a follow up sooner rather than later.

I was finally discharged just before 6 AM.  Charlie was a real trooper and took good care of me.  

This new physiology is delicate and takes some TLC.  I thought I had mastered it but my body put me in my place and reminded me that I need to take it slow, pay attention to signals and not take so much medication in the evening.  It was a really frustrating night but I am glad it was not something worse.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

NSV: We're Gonna Bowl Tonight!

 Bowling Night at Bowlmor-Union Square!

My wonderful friend Lisa and I hatched a plan a few weeks ago that we were going to start bowling.  We made plans to go out Wednesday night this week and in an impromptu switch, we decided to start our bowling escapades this week!  Needless to say, it was really fun and we are pretty good at bowling!    (Take that with a grain of salt- we didn't bowl gutter balls every time and each had a few spares and strikes.)  I don't know if I could tell you the last time I went bowling.  Years, many, many years.

We decided on Bowlmor just south of Union Square in Manhattan.  When we arrived, we took the freight elevator up to the 4th floor and were greeted by the familiar sound of crashing pins.  There was no line and we were able to get shoes (rental fee) and leave a credit card for for a lane (Wed night is 11.95/person/game- it's NYC, people.) There were a lot of people there- large groups mostly. We went over to our lane and after a quick set up we started our first game.  All the lessons from my dad growing up came back from going to the old bowling alley at University Village in Seattle (that is long gone).

We played three games and it got better with each game.  It was so much fun, so much laughing and smiles.  And, burned 500+ calories bowling for 90 minutes!  So much fun.  We have plans to go more over the summer- Monday nights are unlimited bowling after 8pm for 25.00 including shoes.  A good deal for Manhattan.

After bowling we headed out in search of nosh and libation and wondered into The Grey Dog, a cozy spot that was not too loud or pretentious.  A delicious glass of wine and part of a GF lemon and rosemary buttermilk cookie was the perfect end to the evening.

Thanks to Lisa for helping to celebrate 100lbs lost!

Here's to the next 100!  
 





Monday, April 7, 2014

First Mental Milestone: 100 LBS!

I have been sick since Friday.  By the time I got home Friday evening it was clear it was not just allergies as I so often hope this time of year.  Fever in full force, I grabbed a Popsicle and put on PJs and snuggled in for the night.

I politely excluded myself from teaching Saturday school and slept the day away.  By Sunday I could not look at the giant pile of clothing on my bedroom floor so I very slowly started to go through everything.  It took the better part of the day in between frequent rest stops.

I could not resist trying on the dress I had intended to wear for my wedding but when it came the color was totally not what I had picked out.  It is a size 20.  (Mind you, the dress I eventually made for myself with the help of the amazingly patient Carisa, was far more beautiful.)  It was amazing to see myself in this dress, a dress that had made me cry.

I got on the scale this morning, Monday, still fevery and weighed myself- 284.  286 was the magic number I felt like I was never going to pass but it happened.  102 pounds lost forever and never coming back.

I also got a Fitbit- one of the little clip on ones.  I have only been using it  a few days but I like it so far and I can sync it with My Fitness Pal, where I track my food.  I am feeling good and making progress as you can see!

Thank you TINY TUMMY!  And thank YOU to all of you who have been cheering me along the last 5 months.  Your support means the world, even the silly "likes" on Facebook help to keep me focused and working hard.