Sunday, April 27, 2014

Things I Miss & New Things I Love

My new tattoo- C, Roman numeral for
100 to mark my first 100 lbs. lost.
I was thinking this weekend a lot about what I miss.  There was a major initial mourning period after surgery, but now at 5 months out and down 105 lbs, the sense of loss comes and goes.  It hits me from time to time when I am alone- my "witching hour" when I would historically do most of my binge eating or secret eating.  The impulse to acquire a huge amount of food is still there from time to time even though I know I could not eat it-physically or emotionally.  This does not mean the feelings are all gone.   Head hunger is so powerful as is compulsion- that is why we have addiction, to anything-food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, etc.  I have been working on this piece for years and I don't see it as something that will go away any time soon.  

I thought I would make a list of things I miss.  Recognize, feel, and mourn.  I am ok with not having them ever again but that does not mean I don't miss them.  Here is my list:

Things I miss... 
  1. Carbonated anything.  I can no longer have soda, seltzer, beer, champagne, prosecco.  I miss bubbles and fizz.  I miss effervescence.  I gave away my soda stream.  
  2. Big meals.  There is something extremely satisfying about a large meal.   Before surgery all my meals were large meals.  It made me feel good.  The emotional fullness that went with big meals was a mainstay.  There are still moments when I long for Five Guys- burgers with lots of toppings and an order of well done fries.  I grew up in Seattle and Red Robin burgers are part of my social eating memories.  I will miss that.
  3. Ice cream.  This is the one food I may not go back to for a long time.  In OA they call it a trigger- a food that brings about feelings/a reaction.  It is also called a "slider" food.  A food the easily slides through your stomach.  Ice cream would be easy to eat and eat a lot of it.  Empty calories and emotional satisfaction.  No more ice cream.
  4. Bread- bagels, sandwiches, burritos.  If I have any bread it is toasted and crispy which makes it easier to go down and does not get stuck.  I miss warm gooey NY bagels smothered in cream cheese.  
  5. Candy.  
  6. Popcorn.  Right before my surgery I went to see Thor and had popcorn with M&Ms in it (something I learned from my friend Jesse.  Try it, you will love it.)  It was amazing and wonderful and a great farewell.  I do miss it but I understand why Tiny Tummy can't process it any more.
  7. Spicy food.  Every one is so different.  My tummy just can't stomach spicy any more (Ha, ha!).  I miss salsa, and curry, things that are so spicy your eyes water.  Maybe someday but not for the time being.

  1. Iced protein coffee.  Who thought I would every like something like this.  It is counter intuitive but I enjoy it.
  2. Quinoa pasta.  It's not bad.  It is a good substitute for real pasta and I find a small amount is really satisfying.
  3. Plain Greek yogurt.  Never in my life did I think I would enjoy plan yogurt.  I most often eat it with fruit and a little splenda but sometimes I use it plain as a replacement for sour cream.  Not the exact same, but it does the trick.
  4. Cauliflower- I love it, in any form.  I can only have cooked right now, but I do love it.
  5. Almond flour.  It is a wonderful substitution for white flower and I am really loving finding ways to use it in my cooking.
I am sure there are more "new things" (we all know they are not really new) that I now love.

This is the dress I got for +Teslen Sadowski's wedding on June 21st.  I think I should have gotten a size smaller and may order one more just in case.  This one is comfortable and would be great however, I still have 2 months.

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