Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Dresses or The Great Impostor

Something I desperately want to feel comfortable in but every time I work up the nerve to wear one to work, I always end up chickening out and changing my clothes before I leave.
Today, I even put tights on! They are super cute and I got them on clearance for .97 cents thinking the usual, "If they don't fit now, they eventually will. "  In truth, they did fit and looked great and were comfortable.

What stopped me? What led me to a last minute wardrobe change that now has me running 20 minutes late (not the fact that I was up too late, over slept, tossed out the protein shake I had made because the consistency was too "sticky"...)?

One memory comes to mind. 

I had been teaching, 5 or 6 years ago, and the back of my dress got caught in the top of my spanks and my rear was revealed. The parent coordinator just happened to be walking past my room at that moment  and pulled the back of my dress down.

This moment and all the feelings that go with it are with me every time I dawn a dress for work.  Embarrassment, shame, discomfort, feeling like an impostor...who was I to think I could wear something like that. Something that my THIN coworkers wear. (Yes, they are ALL thin. Every single one. And some days it is still really hard.)

I still think and feel like a fat person. Last week when I posted the the blog post and photos from my pin up shoot someone said to me...something to the tune of... "Imagine how you will feel a year from now? Not plus size..." and so on... It took the wind out of my sails. It made me feel like crap. (I didn't say anything in that moment and I realize they may read this and I'm sorry for not speaking to you directly about it. It just really hurt.) I can't shop in the plus size sections any more. I am not as thin as the person who made the comment and frankly that is ok. But it hurt that they still saw me as fat. Everyone else in my life was able to truly celebrate THAT moment along with me with out caveats. The, "she would be so pretty if only..." kinds of comments that plague so many of us.

So I am still not in dresses. I'm still thinking like a fat person. I am still second guessing my 150 pounds in 11 months weight loss.

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