One of the byproducts of losing weight and especially losing a great deal of weight quickly is the hormonal influx that accompanies the loss. What I understand is that estrogen is stored in fat. As the fat dissipates the only place the estrogen as to go is back into the body. Great, right? The result is that some days I am a hot mess. What might look like P.M.S. is not at all. It's the WLS CRAZY!
Needless to say I am having a rough morning today.
First, it's raining and gray out. In the spring this is the last thing a teacher needs on a Thursday morning. It makes it difficult to get out of bed. I wanted to just stay and snuggle with the puppy and Charlie, my husband.
Second, even though I have lost 111 lbs., amazing in itself, I still carry the majority of my excess weight around my tummy and it's not my best attribute right now. Clothing that clings makes me really uncomfortable. I am sure it looks just fine for the most part but going back to those pesky hormones, it feels like I have a spare tire to end all spare tires. (Remember, irrational.) We got these great Team AFSE shirts yesterday for teacher appreciation week and they have.their names on the back, very cool. Mine fits just fine but this morning it was NOT happening. After the typesetting on my list happened I went back into the bedroom and changed my clothes 4 times. It would not have mattered what I chose to wear, nothing felt good this morning and brought me to frustrated tears. I have to wear a belt so all my pants stay up and because of this it make the spare tire a bit more pronounced. Suck!
Third, I love make up. I do it for me becuase I love it, not because I think I need it to conform or make myself feel better about myself. There is nothing better than a great tube of mascara (thanks to lessons from +Alicia Thompson and Katie Herrick over the years). This morning nothing was working and I had to take off clown makeup that had ensued and start over. TWICE. Hot mess, that's me.
Fourth, I am now running late. I hate running late but thankfully I don't teach first period.
I know this is all not real. It is chemical in my body and I just have to ride it out. I struggle with having days that I feel amazing right next to days that feel like, well, this. I wore my AFSE shirt yesterday when we all went bowling. I didn't care about the body spare, only the bowling one. :-) Today is a different story and there is nothing I could do to help myself feel good in my new top.
I'm sorry that Charlie has to deal with this part of things. It sucks and makes me feel worse. Weight loss surgery is not an easy fix and all the things that go with it that I never could have anticipated or thought to ask about have surfaced over time. It's hard. I'm thankful through it all but it's still hard.
When I arrived at my school this morning, the school safety agent who was the first woman I met when I reported last summer for PD, commented on how good I am looking. Today was the first day that I chose to go through the turnstile in the front of our school and not circumvent it because I was afraid I would not fit. I fit. Anyway, she went on to tell me, "not to be racist but, you white people are so hung up on weight and being thin". I don't disagree with her. I have written about how the feelings and ideas about body image are do different in Seattle (an incredibly white city) and NYC. When I moved here I felt a new sense of belonging and acceptance that I have never felt before. The Safety Agent went on to ask me what my goal was and hoped that I not lose too much weight. It's all about perspective.