It seems like one of the most difficult things for people who lose weight, especially a lot of weight is that we often struggle to get past the mentality of "thinking like a fat person". Now I know fat is subjective. There are big folks who embrace their size publicly. There is a model and advocate for size acceptance that I admire a great deal. I don't know what her weight is but she is a badass curvy girl. Her confidence oozes from every pore. I NEVER felt that way. Even at 190 lbs, my lowest weight as an adult when I was 20-22, I never felt that same sense of self.
I have a distinct memory of getting dressed for opening night of the first show I designed in college. I put on the dress I had got for my 21st birthday the previous summer. I had many housemates at the time and one of them commented that I looked HOT. NO ONE had ever said anything like that to me. I had never felt or seen myself as attractive. This was a first, and now a memory that will be with me for a long time to come. I looked in the mirror at 21 and saw myself as the girl no one wanted, ever. Fat, ugly, worthless. That night was a changing point that was fleeting and something I have been chasing since.
Fast forward 16 years later. There have been times when I have felt beautiful, my wedding day is the first one that comes to mind. Times when I felt confident and beautiful. I had been externally validated and that translated to my own thinking about myself. Good or bad, it is true. There were times when validation to the form of objectification and I was ok with that, in fact I reveled in it. It made me feel good, better about the body I felt like I had been saddled with...
This week I went for my first appointment with my new PCP. (YES, I MADE THE MOVE.) It was a really positive first appointment. My Dr. Was encouraging and supportive, thrilled with my blood work from my 6mo appointment and at no time were the following terms used : obese, overweight, fat, deficient, obstacles, challenged, re-gain. Nor did she prod and poke about my goal weight. I told her about my 190 weight but that in my head it's more like 175 ish but that I believe my body will tell me what the right weight for me is. Is its 190 then great. If it's less, great. She was in agreement. I will go back in 6 mos unless I need a medicine adjustment-I am still on 2 BP meds-my pressure was 117/80 Matthias appointment, something that I never had when I went to see my last PCP. Major white coat syndrome with him.
I don't expect all the head stuff to subside any time soon. I imagine part of me will always feel like 386 pounds and all the identity that goes with that. I just hope I can find beauty in myself where ever my body decides to settle.