Saturday, October 18, 2014

The Head Work

I am 11 months out on the 25th. Last year this time I was already starting to replace solid food with shakes. I was still jumping through the pre Op hoops and waiting to hear if I had been approved by my insurance company. All the feelings that go with that time are still so close to the surface. Will I be able to do this? Will I be able to live with out carbonated drinks? Will I ever eat bread again? What if I fail? What if I'm a failure? What if...? the list goes on and on.

As you all know, I have not failed by any stretch. I'm down 150 lbs. 12 clothing sizes and countless inches. This week though I was confronted with all the feelings that I had those weeks leading up to my surgery.  The possibility that I will have to change therapists has emerged.  If/when it happens, it won't be until after the new year.  There are many components to the situation including my LCSW no longer taking my insurance and not being able to afford the only one she is going to take.  Im angry and frustrated.  I have done so much work over the last 11 months and in the two years before this, with her.  There are moments that it feels all for nothing.  The reality is, that I am not the same Meredith I was last October.  I have done the "head work" that is essential to weight loss surgery.  I know I have the physical and mental tools to continue making progress and working towards my goal.  I am scared though, that with out the support that I have become accustomed to that I won't be successful.  I potentially would have to cut back my care after 1/1 to less than a 1/4 of what I have now if I want to continue with my therapist.  So the bigger question is, do I need that continued level of support?

I don't know the answers to any of the bigger questions right now.  I know that I do feel stronger, physically and emotionally but there is still so much fear of failure, a new feeling.

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